My Bi-Polar Jesus Episodes.

[OPIE]

Okay so I am giving you fair warning before you read this. This is kind of the Pilots or rough drafts of some small animated shorts I am planning on creating...eventually. They take Stabs at Religion (Mainly Christianity) They have foul language and can be quite controversal. With that said. Read at your own risk, I am not responsible for any ones faith being shaken.

If you can appreciate some good jokes and read this with a non-biased point of view. Then read on and please offer some constructive criticism. I would highly appreciate it.
So here are the first two episodes. The second being a little more better constructed then the first as I created them a good length apart.

My Bi-Polar Jesus Episode 1

Bi-Polar Jesus: ACCEPT ME AS YOUR MASTER OR BURRRRRRN FOR ALL ETERNITY!

 Me: Really.....Eternity. So you really aren't any better then Hitler or Napoleon.

 Bi-Polar Jesus: I AM better than them! After all! I CREATED THEM MUAHAHAHAHAH!

 Me: Oh Really?!?!?! Thanks for unleashing two of the worst people in worlds history. Didn't the Jews already have enough back in the day with Moses and the Romans?

 Bi-Polar Jesus: I uhhhh...ummmmm....Shit. DO NOT QUESTION ME OR I WILL SMITE THEE!

 Me: You really don't like your own brethren do you?

 Bi-Polar Jesus: I LOVE EVERYONE!

 Me: BUT YOU JUST SAID YOU WOULD SMITE ME BUT YOU LOVE ME AS WELL?! You need to be on meds!

 Bi-Polar Jesus: I wuvs you alllllll! *Huggles and snuggles* You're all so cute with all your wars and hatred towards one another just because of petty differences!

 Me: Yeah and the worst is religion...which you yourself kind of spawned and created. Intelligent design my fucking ass! I have questions!!!!

 Bi-Polar Jesus: Are we playing 20 questions?

 Me: Why did you make us the way we are? Why have digestive systems, why have to eat. Why did you stick us on a planet with limited resources that we would eventually deplete and be left to suffer with disease and sickness and lets not forget just the plain flat out agony of either starving to death or making our world completely inhabitable by man kind?

 Bi-Polar Jesus: Well....you guys were kind of a science experiment I had to do for Supreme Beings Science 101.

 Me: You didn't answer any of my questions.

 Bi-Polar Jesus: I uhhhhhh.

 Me: Why couldn't you of just made us simply exist and not need energy or have to eat, pee or poop. That seems kind of foolish don't you think?

 Bi-Polar Jesus: Well...

 Me: You really can't explain it can you? BUT SCIENCE CAN! Go figure.

 Bi-Polar Jesus: So are you with me or without me?

 Me: You have the attention span of a 3 year old, mentally retarded dyslexic autistic child.

 Bi-Polar Jesus: YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!!!!!!!

 Me: What the FUC....You never answered mi....never mind... NO I am not with you!

 Bi-Polar Jesus: THEN BBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

 Me: Trogdor?

 Bi-Polar Jesus: Who the fuck is that?

 Me: You don't know the burninator? AND YOU JUST SWORE!

 Bi-Polar Jesus: Whats a swear?

 Me: You know, filthy language that is supposedly a sin against you?

 Bi-Polar Jesus: BWWWUUUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I never said that. You guys made that up a long time ago. You're really amusing to watch. Especially all those religious guys down there. I love watching them twist reality around. It's like the worlds collective IQ is getting lower.

 Me: BUT....WHAT THE FUCK! BUT YOU CREATED RELIGION! FUCK YOU ARE RELIGION.....GOD DAMNIT! YOU'RE MAKING NO SENSE! FUCK! YOU NEED HELP!
SCREW THIS MAN IM OUT! Go see Supreme Beings Shrink or something I don't even fucking know!

 Bi-Polar Jesus: Awwwwww he left.... Oh well...OHHHHH *Claps excitedly* lets go create some "NATURAL DISASTERS!!!"


My Bi-Polar Jesus Episode 2

Me: "So Jesus?"

Jesus: "Yeaaaaaaah Guy?!"

Me: "Whats the whole deal with Christmas and it being on December 25th, conveniently enough the same day like 50 other Gods said to exist by many other people of different religious beliefs, had their birthday as well before you were born?

Jesus: "Ahhh man c'mon it's my birthday thats all."

Me: "Ok again you didn't answer my question, you just avoided the whole thing and beat around the bush just like your religion and the religions of many others do."

Jesus: "I'll tell you some bushes that I beat last night ehhh hehehehehehe."

Me: "See you just did it again. You're not addressing the issue just like you're not addressing all the fucked up shit in the world going on JUST TODAY. You know..cause a whole lot of other bad things happened while you were alive. Just saying."

Jesus: "You know I totally high fived a chick last night with God."

Me: "See there you go again, the attention span of....WAIT WHAT?! DUDE! You did a chick with your dad. Fucking sick dude! SEE This supports my claim that you are fucked up in the head. You shouldn't be allowed to rule over Earth let alone the entire fucking universe."

Jesus: "C'mon man. Think about it. Whats the most religious state in the Christian belief today?"

Me: "Texas?"

Jesus: "Clllloooooooose."

Me: "Utah?"

Jesus: "I said Christians, not Mormons."

Me: "West Virginia?"

Jesus: "Bingo dude. Incest city that I created and they loooooooooooooove me."

Me: "You know you're not helping your case of my claim that you're completely fucked in the head and shouldn't be allowed to be the custodian of another human being let alone an entire planet full of them."

Jesus: "You're just going to have to trust me on this one man. December 25ths mah Birth Day and thats that."

Me: "You ever notice noone buys you gifts for your birthday and they give credit to this guy called Santa? That they buy everyone else gifts instead?"

Jesus: "Yeah and then she was totally li...wait wha? Seriously? You know, now that you mention it....Dads the only one who sends me a card. Mary's always been a bitch...HEH though if I had to give birth to a baby and never got laid....ever, I would be too. Moses just sits in the clouds all day with his arms up like hes waiting for the clouds to part and those 3 guys just bring a lamb, gold and something else every year I dunno I don't really pay attention. Woah man...total mind blow...seriously...I'm bummed out now.

Me: "Ohhhh no what did I do....."

Jesus: "*crying* Maaaaan...why'd you have to go and do that...you really bummed me out."

Me: "Oooookay Jesus...you're crying...and we know what happens when you cry. A flood begins to happen of biblical proportion...then something about an arc, impossibly fitting one of each gender and species of animals on there, not to mention the millions in tons of food they would have to eat thats just completely illogical and everyone dies. Except for a few people, then magically the earth is repopulated. Ahhhhh shit...I know...I'll confuse him.

Me: "*Says out loud* I am so sick of the phrase "God Bless America!" "

Jesus: "*Sniffles* Me too BRA! I mean seriously! Everyone asks me to bless their country. At first it was easy...a blessing here, a blessing there. But when you guys started your wars and shit that I instigated using religion, both sides asked for blessings. I was all like...I can't bless both sides. See then Math got involved...and at first it worked its self out. Cause if enemies asked for blessings it would just cancel each other out and you'de both be fighting with my blessing, I.E. You're on your own. But SHIT! Then you guys added the Alphabet in the Math and I just got totally fucking confused. Blessings started going to the wrong people, I had remainders, nothing came out even and I was never good with fractions. Heh can create the universe that you guys can't even figure out....heh Black Hole....wait till you get that one hahahahahaha. But shit I can't do math."

Me: "So every ones asking for your blessing and only expecting you to give it to them and not their enemies?"

Jesus: "Exactly Bra! But they don't know that I have to bless everyone because I LOVE everyone."

Me: "Even the ones who don't believe in you?"

Jesus: "Ya Bra."

Me: "But you'll still send them to Hell to burn and suffer for eternity?"

Jesus: "Ya Bra...the only way to get into heaven is to acknowledge me and love me."

Me: "Ok you're just an attention whore. It doesn't make sense. You LOVE them, but send them to suffer for eternity."

Jesus: "Think of it like Tough Love. You know, kicking your son or daughter out of the house so they get a taste of life and realize it isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Me: "Yeah but this is eternity...there is no readmission into Heaven. No Escape from Hell. Thats not right. I think if you threw me in a lake of fire I'D LEARN PRETTY FUCKING QUICK THAT IT'S NOT ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE! You make no sense and you're pissing me off now. Fucking CHRIST! *Leaves and slams the door*"

Jesus: "Thats me! *Jesus walks over to his computer and starts browsing* Hmmmm this looks like a nice family. Oh they have a prayer. "Dear God." ("Fucking A always praying to Dad.") Thank you for blessing us with child. We have 7 months to go. We pray that everything goes well and that our child you have given us is healthy." Awww ain't that precious. Hmmm they look like a happy family. Toooooo happy. Happier then ME! MISCAAAAAAARRRRRIAGE! *Jesus presses the enter key* Yeap...that'll probably end in the marriage falling apart too. HEHEHEHE! I'm such a stinker!"

[Blimigerite]

I didn't read the post.
Let us know when you do the animated Muhammad series.

[Thunder]

I read it, it wasn't funny.